Effy's Fangirl Problem
by crazyconversations
Summary: Effy Stonem was not your typical fangirl. Then again, had she ever been anything remotely close to typical?  crack of sorts
1. Prologue

**Effy's Fangirl Problem**

**_Prologue _**

**A/N:** So. This is crack, mostly. A random idea I had months ago and it's been sitting on my laptop for ages. I figured it wouldn't hurt to post, so, there you go. Enjoy it, or don't. Your choice. Don't take any of those rules at heart, it's just whatever I could think of at the time (I also like the number 7) and there's much more to it than just that. We'll eventually get to see more about the other characters, so just...I don't know. Read ahead if you like. Have fun! (Hey, look, I suck at this.)

**Disclaimer**: Nothing in here is mine. If Skins were mine there would be such a thing as '_Naomily: The Movie_' and clearly there isn't, so, moving on.

* * *

><p><em>There are seven unbreakable rules in fangirling.<em>

**Number 1**, many would say, would be to shamelessly flail (bat your arms around, squeal, faint, build a pillow fort, sob, choke, roar in laughter, fall off your chair, gulp, stop breathing all together, hyperventilate, drool, shout, … depending on the dimension of the matter) at the mention of your idols' name or anything in any way related to them, should said idol be real, fictional or anything in between.

**Number 2**; to be able to read your idol as an open book. Naturally, this comes sometimes more easily when your idol is a fictional character which therefore allows you to have many of their reactions and thoughts played out to you, but it can be applied to many circumstances. A fan should be able to know her idol's reactions and thoughts in different situations, as AU as they might be; an idol must always be canon.

**Number 3**, a fangirl must always have what is commonly known as "ships". Now if you are reading this, you should be expected to know what this means. A "ship" is nothing else than a possible relationship between two characters, persons as it pleases, for which a fan would virtually die for. (i.e. "OMFG DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE/SHE LOOKED AT HIM/HER? OMFGWTFBBQ –dies-"). Exaggerated emotions on seemingly meaningless actions undertaken by the couple in question are tolerated and welcome. Ships are never heterosexually bound or even human-bound, and can and shall go across all race, species and sex boundaries. They can be timeless, illogical and even defy the entire time and space continuum of this universe so much as they are made for each other, even if in the most contradicting ways.

**Number 4**, never back down or let yourself be told what to ship or what to think. A ship is whatever you want it to be (although, yes, One True Pairings exist and if they are ever doubted, you will probably be threatened into being burned on a stake and/or beaten to death with a baseball bat in an effort to knock some sense into your head. Virtually, of course.). If provoked, build yourself your own battle ship (as in a real ship) and fight for them, fight for whatever love you believe they share. This can also be done by rolling your eyes dramatically and either closing whatever internet page you're on or making a 'talk to the hand' gesture to whomever you are talking to.

**Number 5**, you are not required to create videos, fan fictions or even icons and wallpapers of any kind to be a true fan. Hell, you are not even required to follow news with spastics refreshing of internet pages or such. But your heart should be in it (and yes, many would say: "oh that's pathetic") and by that I simply mean this: it's not all about what your idol is, where they're from, their absolute mouth-watering attractiveness or even what they are doing at the moment. Sometimes, it's just about what they mean to you at this stage of your life, what they represent, and how often you can apply what they do and what they learn to your daily life and sometimes, sometimes, just make it slightly better. All in all, a fan must learn from their fandoms.* **

**Number 6**, a fan must always be tolerant with other fans and non-fans. Alright, so I previously mentioned ship-flaming and provocation, but it is nevertheless necessary to remember: if no one can tell you what to think or what to ship, therefore neither can you tell them what they should believe in. Yes, you will encounter many people who have the most impossibly wrong point of view on your fandom (whether it's the most improbable ship or just a whole different conception). In the face of those situations, you should simply maintain a peaceful demeanor and ignore the filth being thrown at you or simply take it in your stride. No, disagreement upon a fandom is _never_ a good reason to end a friendship (even less so a relationship) or even to mercilessly flame people online. That is taking this whole fan business a step too far. However, yes, some raging is allowed, we are only mere human beings after all.

**Number 7**, fantasize about meeting your idol; yet, if you ever do, act aloof and cool – slipping compliments here and there – so as to fully earn their trust and possibly their friendship (natural behavior is always preferred when seeking a sustainable friendship and/or relationship as opposed to a mere autograph/hug or even a one night stand – knowing fans though, get anything you can). If you are your idol's friend, then you are in a whole different rank of faning. That is, if you have been able to remain alive long enough to be their friend – many might be known for fainting, nosebleeds and even fatal heart attacks at their mere sight (hopefully not the latter, though). If you fangirl on a fictional fandom, pray every night and try as hard as you can to dream of meeting them in your dreams, unfortunately that is as far as we'll get (Sometimes I weep at night because of it).

**Appendices: (Bonus Law of Fangirling): **

_Once I saw my idol wearing a pearl necklace and leopard print, so I bought a pearl necklace and a leopard print dress. _

_This one time, my idol punched me in the face. It was awesome._

* * *

><p><em><span>* Restrictions apply<span>__: if your idol decides to jump off a cliff (or jump on a broom and fly away from a window), do not – in any circumstance – repeat the action. Reason and careful consideration upon the morality and safety of your idol's actions (as well as the general reality in which he/she/it lives) and lessons should always be carried on __**carefully**__. _

_** Health Warning__: Any sort of hallucinatory drugs contains even more risks to fans. Use wisely or restrain entirely._

* * *

><p>Effy Stonem did not like to think of herself as a fangirl, or at least not a typical fangirl. You see, unlike many others, she rarely got worked up enough about a book, some show on the television or even a movie to go dig pictures and information to discuss the latest happenings with other raving hormone-filled young people on the internet, let alone fantasize over such and such character. Flail and squealing was left to the likes of Pandora and Katie Fitch of this world, although she doubted either of these girls actually took part in the co-mingling. Pandora for one was far too over-excited to seat through an entire fandom and Katie Fitch, well Katie Fucking Fitch would never be seen mingling with 'g-e-e-k-s' and likes.<p>

No, Effy Stonem was not and would never be your typical fangirl. In fact, Effy Stonem was a master in the art of apparent carelessness, bluntness and general stoicism in the face of others.

But you see, Effy Stonem had a secret. A secret that no one as much as scrapped the surface of.

A secret she was confident not a soul would even come to suspect, not even her brother. You see, that particular secret was usually brushed off as a mystic mind reading power she would have over people, the power to scrutinize every single one of their actions and thoughts with as much as a glance. To be honest, most were highly intimidated by her abilities and would rather fuck off as fast as possible than to actually sit and try to make out what she really was.

In fact, if anyone ever got close enough to as much as guessing her innermost secret, they would have brushed it off as some sort of 'caring' she would have for people, genuine heartfelt caring.

But you see, Effy Stonem's secret was much better hidden than anyone could ever suspect.

Because, as you might have guessed at this point (if you are careful enough as to follow all the clues, or maybe not because Effy Stonem would like to think of herself as more mysterious than most), Effy Stonem was somewhat, not-entirely but in some sort of shape and form, a helpless fangirl.

Oh no, not as you intend it. Effy Stonem is not like everyone else, never was and will never be.

Effy Stonem's idols were much more complex and intriguing than most, had they been any other way they would never have deserved her attention in the first place.

Effy Stonem fangirl-ed on actual persons she would meet through her journey in this world.


	2. Chapter 1  Of Flailing

**Effy's Fangirl Problem**

**Of Flailing **

**A/N: ...Yeah.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the bottle of beer in my hand. **

* * *

><p><em><strong>Law # 1: shamelessly over-react to any mention of your idol. Flail.<strong>_

As stated previously, Effy Stonem was a master in the art of stoicism, her grasp on the subject rivaling Leonardo Da Vinci's talents in visual arts or even Albert Einstein's genius in physics. Although she was much more a fan of Michelangelo's sculptures, Bracque's intriguing patterns, Rimbaud's unique take on poetry and Marie Curie's advances in chemistry.

In fact, she rarely did any flailing, it was a far too obvious reaction and if ever undertaken it had to be restricted to a private and remote location where no one - do you hear me, _no one_ – would ever find her. (That's why it was a startling surprise when JJ found her clutching her knees tightly to her chest in a sad attempt to muffle her uncontrollable fits of giggles and squeals through the loud music in her room. Of course he never suspected what she was doing; first of all it was JJ for fuck's sake and second, she was Elizabeth Fucking Stonem mysterious and fit enough so no one would ever question her on her activities).

But Effy did always enjoy a good challenge. And since she had started early on in this fangirl business, she might as well comply with its rules while simultaneously twisting them to observe the most intricate implications of this activity. If she was going to be a fangirl then she would do it in her own terms and, honestly, how many people out there fangirl over people they actually know and see every day? And no, she does not mean stalkers – fangirling is a much more precise and complex art than merely following someone around and kissing the ground they walk on. She would qualify the likes of Sketch and even that girl Sophia whom she had seen luring after Naomi many times before (yes, did you really believe she would let such a thing escape her? She was _the_ all-seeing supernatural being after all) as the most rustic kind of fangirls, still raw and unpolished, taking things as they came with little planning and far too many hopes and personal implication to allow for a careful and well done examination of their 'idols'.

If Effy went back to when she first realized her innate ability, she would probably say one of her first memories as a child. She vaguely remembered at an early age being immensely intrigued by people's reactions. In kindergarten she already held that mysteriousness about her that so few seemed to understand. She remembered going to a birthday party for one of her classmates where they all sat around to watch a children's movie, Mulan if she wasn't mistaken (and of course she isn't, remember? Her brother and she are _always bloody right_). The kids around her, and she distinctly remembered the much younger Fitches sitting somewhere in there (although naturally the twins would never recall an event so far back in their lives), were squealing pleasantly throughout the movie.

Katie Fitch had clapped with glee when the captain had admitted his undying love for Mulan and the trust he had on her and couldn't help but nudge Emily, who in turn was much more interested in Mulan's fight, saying something along the lines of: "Yeah, see Emzy? It's because he's well fit the captain yeah, and Mulan's well fit too so of course they should be together!" Emily had just smiled at her twin then scrunched up her nose in confusion when she turned back to the telly, Mulan was indeed a pretty Disney princess but she didn't fully understand Katie's excitement over the Captain. Yes, because Effy Stonem saw much more than they would let on. In fact, in her young age she might not have been able to understand everything she saw, but she could tell that she saw much farther than Katie. For one, it was fairly intriguing that the captain had fallen for Mulan while she was still, in fact, very much another male soldier in his troops. She wouldn't be fooled by his anger at being betrayed by a friend, his affection had been apparent much earlier and showed a whole new definition of love. Maybe it wasn't all about looks and girls and boys, Effy'd thought, and it was the first confirmation she got on the magnitude of that unknown feeling she would later try to escape. Because if love can even brake the boundaries set by sexes and norms as such, then it could break any walls she could possibly build around herself. She willed to build a wall greater than China's famous line of defense; no Huns would ever invade _her_ secrets.

Nevertheless, while the other kids lost themselves into childish fantasies on the characters and ancestors, dragons, evil yellow-eyed men and the simplest of relationships, and so wrongly at that since they couldn't see past the pretty colors and shapes exposed to them by older much more mature and money-seeking men, Effy found herself highly entertained by the kids' reactions. And anyway, quite honestly, she about figured out the entire movie by throwing mere glances at it from time to time. She saw young Henry jump up and down overly excited about the weapons and destructions, read into it his need for protection and will to be brave for his mother whose husband had died a year earlier and left him to somewhat, in his young age, look after her. She saw an Asian little boy, Hangeng if she recalled right, sit quietly in a corner wondering how those drawn characters were compared to his own origins. He seemed eager to mingle in the happiness present in the room yet felt slightly in the spotlight as most of his classmates would curiously glance back at him and ask him all about if he too owned a small lizard-looking dragon and whether or not his father too had fought off the Huns alongside Mulan's troops, causing him to shrink in his corner confused at not being able to answer all the questions. Eventually, he'd reached out and told his friends all about his grandparents' house in China and how yes – he had once seen a dragon there and how he and his friend had chased it around the backyard. Effy thought it was endearing how he felt the need to suddenly fit in.

The Fitch twins were fairly more entertaining however, as Emily scrunched up her nose and bit her lip trying to make sense as to why she wanted to react to this screening in such a different way than her sister. Katie in turn seemed far too eager to join in with the other giggling girls and happily go on and on about how _'fit' the captain really was, yeah, and how although she did like Mulan and all she really should just marry him and have kid and live happily ever after. And maybe she should also wear more dresses because boys liked that, and oh – she almost forgot, so the other day in the courtyard Billy had held her hald and like…_ Right, so Effy didn't _care_ enough to listen to all of her rambling but examining the twins took most of her afternoon that Day.

And then, she wanted to flail. She got that sudden urge to join in on the kids' joyfulness and squeal and jump around for a bit because – quite frankly – they were fascinating. All of them. And Katie was all up everyone's noses, and Emily sat quietly lost in her own thoughts, and little Hangeng tried to mingle around and Henry squealed carrying an imaginary sword and attempting to magically chop Harry's glasses off his nose, and the parents nodded and smiled at them while Tony and Sid played with their Pokemon cards in a corner. She wanted to flail because scrutinizing all of these kids' problems got her out of her own head and it was truly fascinating and – bugger – this was the most fun she had had in a while.

And ok, fine, they were all also really cute.

But that wasn't really accepted was it? Flailing. Not in their presence. So she hastily excused herself, ran off to the bathroom – barely caught Tony looking at her rather confused – and giggled for five good minutes at her mirror. She wanted to somehow shout out to whoever wanted to hear about everything she'd learned about those people in such a short time and suddenly she'd found a new passion.

She hurried back to the living room and pulling one of her _friends_ aside, she proceeded to tell Hannah all about her new discoveries and how so and so did this and that and how he or she really was feeling this and that and all she had read in them. The blonde girl looked at her with such confusion in her eyes that Effy was momentarily thrown back. "_You're weird_." She merely stated and went back to tell Katie all about how Johnny had held _her_ hand in the courtyard the other day. Effy remember squinting up her eyes for a moment, coming to a sudden realization and sitting back on her spot pulling Pato the funny giraffe back against her. She realized at an early age that flailing, although perfectly admissible for fangirls, could not entirely be applied to her special kind of fangirling. So, since she was better off on her own anyway, she would just tell Pato about it and maybe when she would learn how to write she would properly note them, but for now she should concentrate on building her Great Wall of China and keep her silent vigil upon her classmates and neighbours. Who knew, maybe one day it would come in handy.

Tony looked quizzically at her for a moment before smiling at her toy and turning back to Sid who was still dumbfounded at his ability to lose a Pokemon game so easily. She didn't see the twins again until college, only caught rare glances of them around the city, or when they coincidentally were on the same bus.


	3. Chapter 2  Of Knowing

**Effy's Fangirl Problem**

**Of Knowing**

**''' **

**A/N: **I hope whoever is brave enough to get this far is still enjoying this….Well, whatever this is. Unbeta-ed, so any mistakes are mine.

**Disclaimer: **Skins? I own nothing of the sort. Sometimes I wake up crying when I remember that.

* * *

><p><em><strong>"" <strong>_

_**Law # 2: be able to read your idol as an open book.**_

_**"" **_

Understanding people's thought patterns and reactions was Effy's specialty. She would never, as far as she can remember, be surprised by anyone's 'unexpected' reaction to any situation, in fact she was pretty sure that if she wrote a fiction featuring everyone she knew, their actions and feelings would be so close from reality that it could be set on Mars for all she cared, they would take it for reality and suddenly believe in interspatial travelling and then go off telling everybody about how they went to Mars and befriended a Martian named E.T. who was obsessed with telephones. So, alright, maybe she watched E.T. far too much for own good. What? She was allowed to be a regular fangirl from time to time, it was a nice break.

The first people she learned how to read were obviously her parents. Right, so they weren't the hardest specimens around to be honest, they fucked you up like any other parent and were so dim and self-centered that she was sure they would never really get to know her enough to realize she had been observing them.

When she was seven, she hid in her own closet while playing hide and seek with her mum because she just knew, far too well at that, that it was the last place her mum could go looking. Just as the last thing on her mum's mind was how to get into her thoughts and fully know her daughter, she had always foolishly assumed that because she rested in her womb for 9 months, a full understanding of Effy's personality was just given. There was no use looking, she _knew_. Except she didn't, not even nearly, and then it was just too easy to hide off and just shine that 'Effy' all-knowing smile of hers at her incredulous face hours later. She never lost at that game again. Sometimes, when she hugged Pato the giraffe at night and told him all about it, she wished she had.

Her brother, it seemed, was both the hardest and easiest for her to pinpoint. Oh, she had soon learnt that people could rarely be discarded in boxes or even labeled (although she always kept that bin her mind where she would throw in some personalities coming her way, "_Useless Cliché-d Paper-Thin and Entirely Vacant Beings_", those were too easy to read, manipulate and discard soon afterwards, never wholesome enough to catch her attention) but usually one could sort out common responses to situations dictated by society's norms and all that to describe people. But Tony, he was different from everyone else. As she discovered, after a few years of living in the same house and watching his interactions with his friends; he was in fact playing the same game. They liked challenges, them Stonems; they liked competition even. Apparently Tony had somewhat caught up with what she was doing, carefully observing and all that, and he too used his incredible intelligence only ever rivaled by hers to read people like open books. Except he was much more outspoken about it, sliding snide remarks on his friends' doings and using of his own knowledge to somewhat manipulate them into getting what he wanted. He didn't mean it though, he never meant to be a jerk, she could tell as much. But it was almost too easy and seemed to work for him, he would shine this all-knowing aura around his head and girls and boys would be attracted to it like flies to a light bulb and soon everybody would be at his feet.

He blinded them sometimes though, and that was when they would get pissed, flip him off and leave him. But to be so blinded, so burned by his all-seeing nature, they would have to be so close to him that they would sometimes have faint glimpses of what he really was behind all that. Effy was too stoic to ever be burned or blinded, her walls acting as shields to his fire, but she believed she was one of the few to have ever watched and carefully observed what he really was underneath.

Sid and Michelle, they both got close enough to burn and finally tell Tony to fuck off long enough so they could recover. Sid was the simplest of souls though, as Effy had soon read, and going back to Tony wasn't too hard for him. He wasn't scared; she believed he was too simple to be scared of anything actually or to even know what he was scared off, so he just flew back with no protections whatsoever. And maybe that was it, he was too simplistic to be blinded by Tony anymore, too trustful, too loyal to be burnt what this odd mystique around his friend. He just flew right through the whole aura and stood next to the real Tony and said: "Alright, mate? What about breakfast, I'm starving." And walked off, all innocent and clueless, and maybe he would never understand how much that meant for Tony. But that night, when Effy couldn't take all of the pression and voices in her head and ended up in the hospital for too much drug abuse all at once, that was all Sid needed to do to change Tony entirely, to show him what he could really be.

Michelle, now that was a whole other business. Michelle was scared, so scared Effy could basically feel the goose bumps on her skin if she closed her eyes and tried hard enough. Because suddenly she wasn't sure of anything, and Tony was just so certain of everything. But he couldn't be sure for her anymore; maybe she just had to find things out by herself. And suddenly, Tony was clueless, unaware and blinded – for once – blinded by hope and love. Fucking _love_, caring – as far as Effy was concerned – was useless and love, of all things, was such an irrational thing she couldn't really understand how people would allow themselves be carried away by it. (She could never stand it, love. She couldn't stand it when Tony pointed out her own weaknesses to it, the breaches in her so carefully built wall. She couldn't stand it when Freddie jumped in the water and swam to her, splashing violent waves against her barriers turning those breaches into cracks and those cracks into large holes as water came pouring in her fortress. Freddie, she couldn't think about Freddie.)

So, this time, Effy in all of her stoic and objective power, had to step in and fix everything, because if love was what would make her brother happy then she would have to fix that. For the first time she used her years and years of observations to go off, fix Tony's relationship, bring Cassie back on the right track, smack Sid in the head hard enough so he would finally understand that no – things were never that simple, but sometimes they could be if he wanted them hard enough. In the process, she had met Pandora and that was a whole other business of confusion all together.

Perhaps the most fascinating thing about Pandora was her ability to make everything simple, not _see_ everything as a simple equation as Sid did (never really helped him that, did it?), but just see things in their _whole_ complex form then roughly imprint them in her mind long enough to distract Effy from her careful complicated observations and state the obvious, point out the most important points in the simplest of ways. Sometimes Effy didn't need complicated, sometimes the voices were too loud for complicated and it made her dizzy and sick and she couldn't stand it – but then Panda would show up and go off in one of her magnificent rants and it eased Effy off, it rounded up some sharp corners and made _believing_ much easier. Just that, _believing_. That was what Pandora was all about, _believing_. So Effy, for once, did not try to read too much into her, did not _want_ to know Pandora like an open book because then it would make everything complicated again. Pandora was simple. Pandora was good for her. (She had a special box in her brain for Panda with a simple label: '_Whizzer_', she'd thrown Pato the funny giraffe in there too. They were her comfort. Sometimes she thought Panda was like a gif macro fangirls made to state simple facts on fandoms.)

Naomi Campbell, now that was another level of complicated. She'd glimpsed the girl around town sometimes even before Roundview, with her short bright blonde hair and a scowl seemingly permanently glued to her face. She was twelve. The first time she saw her, the blonde had been sitting against the middle school's wall, a school Effy did not attend but where she knew a couple of people and had come to watch their interactions as she often did. Naomi (as she had soon learnt her name through her friends' snickering) was reading some book apparently overly complicated and deep for a twelve year old; her eyebrows knitted close together as she tried to focus through the noise and bustling of people around her. She didn't have many friends, afraid to get close to people – much like Effy herself, she'd reasoned – and stood at a distance seemingly careless to the rest of the world.

She wasn't, at that point, the most interesting person Effy had come across (Chris, for instance, had been the center of her attention at that time, his character was simply fascinating), it was fairly easy to read into her. Afraid of getting hurt, independent, opinionated, undeniably clever, probably less than sympathetic to her family issues, possibly lost a relative or said relative ran off to god knows where, eccentric household by the looks of her unusual clothing, desperate need to be both fit in and be unique at the same time.

But when she thought her examination had been throughout, something caught her eye. You see, she heard before she saw Katie walking nearby with a cheery gang of the posh-est blonde giggling girls, telling whoever wanted to hear about how Benjamin had kissed her in the courtyard the day before and how he was _'well fit and lush, yeah? And like his Nike t-shirt was so great and get this, he had a band– yeah? And like, babe, he's mature yeah and all that and he listens to Linkin Park and is all well cool and all that'. _She knew by then how Emily was shy and liked to hide in her sister's shadow. People would rarely notice her, especially if Katie was anywhere to be seen (or heard.). So Effy in all her self-confidence and observation skills was pretty sure she would be the first, if not the only one to notice the youngest twin.

But, for once, she was surprised out of her own certainty. She saw Naomi nearly snap her neck roughly in Katie's direction, an annoyed frown in her face suddenly dissipating into some sort of ridiculous awe. By the time she followed Naomi's gaze, she saw Emily standing only a few feet from the blonde, crouching down to look at some of the flowers nearby, a book still open in her hand on which Effy could decipher the title _Alice in Wonderland_. Naomi shook her head, apparently confused out of her careful reading and returned her gaze to her book. Effy was close enough to them to overhear whatever Emily seemed to be muttering now and listened intently.

"_Do you reckon that if you were small enough – maybe you could hear the flowers singing too?"_ the short girl said, more to herself than anyone else.

Effy was sure she could have heard Naomi's neck crack as she snapped her head to look at the younger twin, her eyebrows shooting up in a mixture of surprise and confusion at being spoken to, her breath seemed to catch in her throat as she simply stared at the girl. Surely, such a confident-looking girl could come up with a snide and possibly hurtful remark as to why she was being bothered out of her reading, or simply answer something simple and meaningless to her classmate and maybe even strike up a conversation on the book Emily held. But the blonde didn't blink, coughed once as if she were about to speak then retreated back into shocked silence, her eyes never leaving the side of Emily's head.

The latter suddenly realized that she had spoken out loud or maybe just thought that she was too insignificant for anyone to actually care about her personal musings and stood upright again, blushing furiously. _"Sorry"_ she slipped under her breath as she hurried off to catch up with Katie, hugging her book tightly against herself and obviously trying to disappear under anyone's gaze.

Naomi watched her go, her mouth still gaping and her brow furrowed in a mixture of confusion and shock, thousands of different thoughts seemed to run through her mind as she bit on her lower lip. She then jerked her head up, shook it a couple of times, muttered something under her breath and went back to her reading, her eyes glancing up only a few times to scan the street for the twins again.

Now, Effy thought then her lips mouthing a curious 'oh' as she watched the exchange, those were very – _very_ – interesting specimens.

When she got home that night, she locked herself in the bathroom with Pato and flailed.

And thus, Effy became the very first and possibly the most fervent Naomily shipper in this or any other universe.


	4. Chapter 3 Of Ships

**Effy's Fangirl Problem**

**Of Ships**

**'' **

**A/N: **I honestly did a backflip when I saw I had reviews! I'm glad you guys are enjoying this and I hope I don't disappoint you too much as it goes on :P I'll try to keep updating just as fast but I'm taking a plane home for the holydays so we'll see how it goes, but I'll definitely try my best. I enjoy writing this anyway and I could always use some break from the family craze (which I love but by God.)

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing, or I'd be in London right now flailing over Lily Loveless. I don't know, man, I don't know.

* * *

><p>''<p>

_**Law # 3: Thou shall have ships.**_

_**'' **_

Elizabeth Stonem had cheered for many 'ships' through her life mission of endless fangirling. It was possibly the most contradictory of her many façades, knowing how she deeply despised the mere thought of '_love_', the existence of that irrational, and frankly _stupid_, feeling threatening every one of her values.

Love made you fucking barking mad. Love would break your heart. Love would break your carefully built walls and flood your heart with stinging water, violent waves banging against your mind as your own grip on it seems to fade and fade away until there is nothing left, not an inch of control over your sensations, emotions and even basic human actions. Love would bring you all the way back to the middle ages, when demons haunted people's souls and the plague tore their flesh apart, when Joan of Arc would hear those voices in her head and convince herself of their reality only to be burnt on a stake.

_Joan of Arc, Jeanne d'Arc_. Effy had read about her many times before, willing to fully understand how that young lady went from being just a girl, to a warrior, to a mad voice-hearing witch and finally to a catholic saint. It was probably the sanctity part of that story that confused Effy. Or rather, how the voices shooting through her brain, polluting her every thought, demons and claws and angels speaking all at once in her ears, how those voices could have led her to so many victories in the Hundred Years War. Joan of Arc went mad, barking mad and somehow – in her madness – brought victory to her Nation in the most peculiar of ways and is still remembered to this day as one of the patrons of France.

Effy would wonder if Joan ever fell in love, if that was what brought her to the brink of her sanity.

She wondered if she was brave because she was mad. Or was she so scared of going mad that whatever defense lines she had built to protect her sanity blurred and madness was reality and reality was madness and in the end bravery was merely the sound of her sanity collapsing.

Sometimes, Effy just refused to dwell on it though.

'Ships', however, unlike her own mixed feelings about love, were simple. People plainly seemed to be, or at least most, the most predictable when they were – dare she say it – _in love_. Or, as she would rather call it, when _they desperately heart-wrenchingly wanted to fuck someone else repetitively and hope that they will still be around the next morning_. In other words, when _in love_, people became stubborn, daft and unreasonably horny. Therefore, they went back to their most primal instincts and provided her with great entertainment.

Truth be told, some seemed to fit more naturally with others, somehow their desire only satisfied by a specific cock, or muff (she would never discriminate different sexual inclinations), keeping them from mopping around and not doing anything fruitful.

She helped Sid get back with Cassie because – _for fuck's sake _– both were being so awfully stubborn and downright thick about this, killing themselves slowly in their corner while playing a childish game of jealousy and emotional manipulation it was nearly unbearable. Sid, naturally, was the most painfully pathetic of the two. Unable to voice or even depict his emotions properly, fumbling around like a snail on Effy's hand as she finally pitied him enough to help out. Well and also, maybe she did care for him. _A bit. Slightly._ Because he was her brother's best friend and Tony needed him, needed his simplicity. And for him to be there for Tony, as they both unknowingly craved, he needed to be sane and happy and_ in fucking love_. And Cassie, Cassie was truly a wonder to observe, a spinning gifted mind grasping at every brink of reality, craving for it to make sense, to bring her any form of happiness. _Family, friends, love_. And maybe Sid's simple take on it, on life, was the best way to give her that, in a similar way to Effy's need of Panda, so maybe – maybe – this was a sort of love.

And Effy liked doing that, sometimes. Giving to people anonymously, guarding her own volt as she evacuated some of the painful pressure in her chest – a pressure she worked so hard both to understand and forget – by giving to people what she feared the most: _love_.

So she _shipped_ them. She read in their behaviors, their way of being and thought: _Yes, maybe they do belong to each other, maybe – for once- the world can be right for them so yes maybe, maybe they can be something I'd be proud of and it won't make them go mad._

She also had other ships; one of the most memorable ones might have been Chris and Jal. She couldn't say she had entirely seen it coming, to be honest she hadn't had the chance to observe them as closely as she would have wished. But while Chris' character had always somewhat fascinated her, her wonder was only duplicated when his relationship with Jal grew and they worked – so easily, so smoothly – through the toughest, harshest, sharpest problems any relationship could ever encounter. _Betrayal, pregnancy, doubts, health, money, work, studies, love. _She could never dwell on it for too long though, never bring herself to sit and watch and examine it as carefully as she did with others. Because there was always this _thing, _so tangible, so painfully clear and strong and it would build up between Chris and Jal and it would build up in Effy's chest and the walls would tremble as she stared and got closer and closer to whatever that _thing _was.

The day of his funeral, as Jal spoke about him, as the others cried and she stood there and just spoke. Effy tried – standing in the back – to remain stoic, to look at it all like a painter taking in an unknown scenery, scrutinizing ever detail. But it hit her again, that _thing_, and her knees started shaking and the voices – _those fucking voices_ – got louder and louder and finally she had to leave – to run as fast as she could and get fucking fucked up because – fuck – those walls, she needed to strengthen those fucking walls.

That was why she was scared, at first, when she met – really met this time – Naomi and Emily at Roundview. She shivered slightly as she watched them and maybe then she _knew_. But they were still so far from it, both of them, and they would need something – anything – to push them to that edge, to that edge of sanity, of life itself, to standing on the edge and looking down and just not be scared anymore.

And whatever Effy was afraid of, whatever made her insides shake and her mind spin, seemed to make Chris and Jal happy – _mad, so mad and so terrified and miserable in the end_ – but happy as if someone had announced that life was all a joke and that they had been allowed to leave it all behind and step in whatever was beyond it, heaven maybe, and everything would like a dream, like the best of dreams.

And somehow, Naomi and Emily deserved to get there, to trip and fall occasionally back into reality, to stand on that fucking edge, to go fucking mad at standing between those two worlds, but to get there nonetheless.

And anyway, Effy was stronger now, wasn't she? She wasn't a scared 15 year old, or 14 and what not. No, her walls were far thicker now, far taller than the Great Wall of China and far more impetuous against attacking Huns.

So, she thought, she would give them a hand. They did _love_ when someone gave them a hand anyway, didn't they?

(Katie Fucking Fitch and her fucking _lezzer _jokes. Surely, Effy's humor should have been way above_ that_.)

So when Emily walked by in front of the building, when Naomi scornfully shot her hand in the air to announce her presence. When Katie Fitch introduced Effy to their dynamic – _right so don't talk to her she tried to snog my sister in middle school, leave it Katie, careful Katie or I might fuck you with my big strap on by mistake, fucking muff-munching bitch, _Emily's tiniest smile in the background_, so you're the doormat? I guess… Interesting, that you just put up with that. Yeah…_ . When Naomi said her name in class, and Emily mimicked her sister – _I'm Naomi, I hate injustice, people tell lies about me. I'm Emily, never had a boyfriend_ – and they exchanged just that simple scornful, doubting, daring, scared and standing on the edge of _something_ look.

When all that was said and done, Effy had already drawn the design of about ten different _Naomily_ encouraging banners and flags, planned carefully examined strategies, possible outcomes and obstacles, different options for macros, gifs, pictures, recaps, mash ups and movies, around three different songs, five different make-up speeches or confessions, fifty short and wistfully insightful sentences she could pull off which would – _eventually_ – make her ship happen. Oh right, and t-shirts. And seven fanfictions. Maybe she should get more notebooks.

And yes, _Naomily_ was definitely a good name for that ship. Chris would be proud. (She hadn't known then that she would let it carelessly drunkenly slip and Cook would overhear it, or that he would catch a glimpse of one of her notebooks – whatever the fuck happened for him to pick up on that word and keep shouting it to everyone who would care to listen. _Fucking Cook.)_

She would just go home and get started on her flags and pinning everything up in that dark corner of her closet back in her room, where no one ever cared enough to look – right next to that first flag she made of them back when they were twelve, along with maps and photos and possibly, some sort of gum statues or toys with blonde and red hair which she could certainly use in her planning. As she had said, fangirling is a precise, meticulous, complex art which required a lot of hard work.

And then Freddie stood up, and her walls trembled and she had to scurry off and fuck something up, fuck Cook, and pin all her posters to her closet later.

And later that day, she flailed.


End file.
